Life is tiring.

So I'm exhausted...like ALL the time. and for no reason. It's a tired I can't  explain, its like what I imagine a soldier feels like when he comes home from war. Tired. He wants to do all the things he thought about doing when he got home from the long battle but, when he gets home, he feels...tired. He want to go and rest, not only his body but his mind. He's seen and experienced things that the average human couldn't even begin to imagine. I've been called a soldier. It's not exactly as great as you'd imagine. When you're called a soldier it usually means you've went through something, something that is bad enough to mark you as a soldier. Personally I haven't heard any nickname that I've liked, excluding fighter, only because its so accurate. anyone experiencing cancer can be called a fighter because when going through chemo you are essentially fighting for you're life. I am not at all comparing myself to a soldier, I am only trying to find a form of exhaustion similar to my own to try to explain how I feel. I am experiencing different sorts of emotions about the most recent diagnosis. one of those emotions is exhaustion, yes that is an emotion. Another is loss. The loss of a choice I might never get to make. The choice to have my own children. Gain,, I've gained strength, strength in knowing and learning that I and my family and my doctors have no control. lol. I laugh because I like to find humor in situations such as these. God has a great sense of humor... I think I also have a great sense of humor. I laughed a lot during chemo. I had tons of chemo jokes, I would tell one now but, I cant remember because of chemo brain. Yes, chemo brain is real and no that wasn't a joke... even though I did laugh while typing it. I think people take things too seriously, I think people stress out about a lot of things that they shouldn't be stressing out about...but that being said, it all goes back to God. He is in control. No one, absolutely no body, is in control. Except Him. I have to remind myself of that constantly. I've tried not to cry about things I have no control over but I do feel it catch up to me at times. I know that I have a chance to still have my own children. I can always adopt. It doesn't matter, I was praying God would bless me with a miracle and I would be okay again, but I realized that that's the opposite of what I should be doing. I should pray to accept Gods will and plan that He wants what is best for me whether I have my own children or not because all children are Gods children and they are simply entrusted to us for a short time before we all are in heaven again. Sometimes things don't go the way we planned they'd go, but that is the beauty of heaven. As long as we believe in Jesus then we are insured a place in his kingdom. So with that said I don't think anyone should pray that I'll have children, if anyone wants to pray then they can pray that I carry out His plans for me with grace and accept whatever they may be.

Recent News...

                                                                                                                                                Sept.12.17

Just So You Know: In this post I will be talking about Ovarian issues and things of that nature.

This morning I went to the Endocrinologist to discuss going off of birth control which I have been taking since January. We had talked about it at the previous appointment and my doctor said she felt it would be best to wait till this appointment because of all the estrogen I did not receive before and during chemo. Let me go back and explain what I'm talking about, in 2015 my menstrual cycles were becoming very irregular and I would go 3 or 4 months before the next one would start. In December of 2015 was my last menstrual cycle before my diagnoses and I didn't have another until around February of 2017. Yup I went for over a year without my body producing any estrogen. See your body needs estrogen to be healthy and to keep your bones strong. If you aren't producing any estrogen then well... that's bad. Now usually you shouldn't be experiencing these issues at my age, these are usually symptoms women that are starting to go through menopause experience, which leaves us with the question, "why am I experiencing this?" Well, when this happens at 15 that is when it is called Premature Ovarian Failure. Sounds kinda bad doesn't it? Yea that's because it is. It means your body cant produce estrogen anymore and your ovaries are basically retiring, and that also means you don't produce eggs...and if you aren't producing eggs then you wont be "producing" anything. My doctor said that when it comes to my future and having babies that I probably won't be able to have any that are genetically mine, so I can carry a baby but it will be another woman's egg. They are doing some blood tests to see what my estrogen levels currently are and if they are where they should be with birth control, then I can go off of it for a few months and see what my body does on its own. Before I started birth control I was experiencing hot flashes and insomnia which are symptoms of POF and the birth control helps relieve those symptoms. So if I get the all clear then I will stop taking the pill and go for 4 months and see what happens. If I start to experience any symptoms before the 4 months are up then I will have to tell my doctor and go back on birth control. I will have to continue hormone therapy until the natural age of menopause if my body continues to not produce estrogen on its own. Sorry if this post is kind of confusing, I was in a rush:)

Update!!!

The surgery went wonderfully! I was a little sore for about two days but after that I felt great! When we got to the hospital we signed in and went straight back to pre-op and started getting ready. Everyone is so nice and friendly, I love the surgeons and nurses and they all did an incredible job. I've made so many friends there in the hospital and the clinic is like my second family. On another note my hair is growing exceptionally fast. I almost have full eyebrows and by the end of next month I will have what looks like a buzz cut. I get stronger everyday and I'm so excited for what's to come this year, lots of trips, recovery, and, different hairstyles! Thank you for the prayers, Much Love, and God Bless.

Positive Thinking

I am happy to start the post by saying that my CT scan has come back 100% clear!! Wednesday was a full day of appointments, first was the scan. When we got there they started an iv because I was getting a CT with contrast, after that they took us to a seat and I had an hour to drink two bottles of "mixed berry" contrast. It was awful. The appointment took longer than expected but the actual scan took about 10 minutes. Afterwards we were already late for our appointment with the clinic so we called and went to meet with make a wish. The meeting was great and it was very quick, so we went to the clinic and got the news that the CT was clear. It was a long day with an early start so when I finally went to sleep, I slept very good. The past two weeks mom has been telling me I was getting a surprise package Thursday. So finally it was Thursday and I'm awoken by mom at around ten and she said "Aubrey your package is here!" so I set up and she leaves my room saying she will bring it in there. Three seconds later my aunt lala comes walking in my room! She lives in Utah and I only see her once a year in the summer. It was a great reunion and I cant believe she's here. Today I went to the endocrinologist and after talking to the doctor they decided I will be going on birth control for 6 to 9 months. I don't want to go into detail but its to help with the hot flashes and help with my estrogen levels. The surgery to get my port taken out is Wednesday morning and I am so excited!Thank you for all the prayers and support throughout this journey. Prayer is a powerful thing and it has helped me very much. Please keep praying and God bless!

Finding the New Normal

  I'm here to say that your life will never be the same again. It will never be what you used to consider "normal", you will have to find your new normal. I myself am doing just that; finding my new normal. It isn't easy, as a matter of fact it is the opposite of easy. I wasn't the kind of person who had anxiety very often...but now, post cancer Aubrey has anxiety about several things. I am constantly tired but it takes me forever to get to sleep at night. I was pretty active before, I clogged once a week, I walked everyday, and every once in a while I did yoga (very rarely). Now stretching feels like an intense workout. I've officially gotten up off the floor on my own three times, which is easy for most people but if you have had any kind of intense chemo then you know that your muscles do not stay the same. I cant do things that I did before, I cant go shopping, I cant dance, I cant play with my dog a lot. I miss being active. I also miss my hair and its not like I don't enjoy being bald because there are perks of having your head shaved. I don't have to wash my hair all the time (which was a big hassle), I don't have to worry about styling my hair. But if we are being totally honest here, it kind of sucks being a young girl and bald. I've gotten used to being stared at or hearing people say something about my wig because its not a regular hair color and I understand why people do those things, I mean it's not everyday that you see a girl my age that's bald. But there have been plenty of blessings that have come out of this experience. I have lots of new friends including; the doctors and nurses that I've had, my new friend that is battling Hodgkin's lymphoma, and even the lady who came up to me in acropolis (a restaurant) and said that she fought cancer too and she understood what I was going through. She also said that she just had to stop and tell me that I was brave. Whatever you are going through just remember; it is not in your control and it never will be, and there will always be someone going through something worse than you. Everything that you go through in your life whether its good or bad it is all in God's plan. I know that for some people it's hard giving up control, but God says to give Him all your problems, to trust Him, and to let Him take care of the rest. My mom always says, "Let go and let God". I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful life, loving family, and great friends. In the end hair grows back, scars heal, and muscles regain their strength.  You find out who is really their for you, you learn things about your body that you didn't know before, and you might even leave with a new or slightly different perspective on life. I'm not done with this fight but when I am I want to be an advocate for children who have been or will be diagnosed with any form of cancer. Your cancer buddy, Aubrey.

The Journey So Far...

  I began chemo in September, there were 5, 21 day cycles and each round was different. On the first one I threw up every day I had chemo, after the chemo days were over I ended up being admitted to the hospital with a fever for 5 days. The next round was a little better, considering the fact I didn't have to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, the third round did not go so well. While I did not throw up on the chemo days, I did have a terrible bout of wreching and (I hate to talk about it) diarrhea. Because of that I ended up in the hospital again for a total of 6 days. The last two rounds were pretty similar, throwing up, lots of sleep, and MISERY. In some cases it gets easier towards the end but in my case it got harder. My doctors almost had to postpone my last round because my counts were low, nevertheless I got to start my chemo and keep it on schedule. After the last round I went to the hospital for 10 days. I finished chemo and was out of the hospital the Sunday before Christmas. I feel very blessed by the fact that I wasn't in the hospital during Christmas and I know that there were a lot of children and their families that were not as fortunate in that way. I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and is enjoying the new year. Your new cancer buddy, Aubrey.

The Road to Cancer.

   So I guess I should start at the very beginning. In January of 2016 I wasn't feeling quite...myself. It began with a few head colds with the usual symptoms followed by lethargy, all through to March which was when I began getting night sweats. After a few weeks of those and some time in between I began developing a pain in my chest. Similar to what I would explain as a heart attack. Now I'm not silly, I know I wasn't having a heart attack... but I was experiencing an awful pain about which nothing could be done. About two weeks of having the chest pain go by and then the pain suddenly starts in my right abdomen and lessens in my chest. In mid July some family came on their yearly visit, a week in to their visit I'm having the health issues still. A lymph node comes up towards the base of my neck on the right side a week in to their visit, the next day we go to urgent care to get it checked. A run of antibiotics, and a few tests, scans, and a biopsy on a piece of a lymph node later and... I have cancer. Hodgkins lymphoma. Stage...3.